Forgiving someone who isn’t sorry.

A few months ago while I was still an intern at the Denver Rescue Mission, I watched The Passion of the Christ with our teen bible study. I made it through almost the whole movie without shedding a single tear until of course Jesus, while being bloodied and crucified, looked up at Heaven and said, “Father forgive them, for they know not what they do.” And then I lost it. Tears flowing, mascara running, snot dripping, all of it. Seeing Jesus (well, Jim Caviezel portraying Jesus but I digress) forgive those who had murdered him left me feeling… unfinished. “Unfinished” as in – I still had a lot of work to do.

Have you ever gotten an apology you knew you deserved? It felt pretty good didn’t it? I’m really good at accepting apologies! Especially when those apologies come in the form of a heart shaped pizza or sunflowers delivered to my doorstep *cough cough*. Sometimes I even give myself a little pat on the back when someone apologizes to me and I reassure them that I forgive them. I’m like “Wow, look at you Christina! You’re not acting like a 5 year-old today!”

Sometimes though, there’s no heart shaped pizzas delivered to our doorsteps. There’s no bouquet of flowers. There’s no “I’m sorry”. There’s not even a pat on the back. Sometimes people don’t apologize and sometimes people just AREN’T sorry.

¶

A couple years ago someone hurt me badly. Emotionally, mentally, and physically I was damaged. The person who hurt me was not someone who was ever going to apologize to me and that was something I knew from the start. Coming to terms with the fact that my religion told me to forgive those who wronged me so my God would forgive me for my sins (my seemingly teens-tiny sins) seemed evil and wrong in this circumstance. I felt betrayed, not only by this particular person but by a God who would allow this to happen to me.

Forgiveness was actually the last thing on my mind. I’d hear my pastor talk about forgiveness or we would pray the Lord’s Prayer and when it got to the whole “forgive those who trespass against us” part I would think in my head “Yes Lord, everyone except _____, I know you understand!”

It took me a really long time to realize that not forgiving this person wasn’t hurting them, it was hurting me. It was making me bitter. It was making me feel resentment towards God. It was making me push away my friends and family. It was making my heart filled with hate. It was making me depressed.

Occasionally I am still reminded of something that makes me want to pick up the burden of unforgiveness again. It’s in those moments that I remember forgiveness is something I get to be selfish about. Forgiveness isn’t about THEM it’s about ME. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what that person did to you was okay, it means that you are no longer holding a space for it in your heart. And it’s not easy, TRUST ME HOMEGIRL (or homeboy, I’m not discriminating), that whole forgiveness thing is HARD. However, in the long run, I think forgiveness is easier than carrying the pain that somebody else left for you.